Things I am Freaking out about

Being stuck in stripping and not doing photo.. SO hard to get a photo job.. scared i'm losing wasting and not improving my photo skills.. want to shoot more..scared..feel like im breathing thru an iron lung.. should stop smoking pot.. can't strip without drinking. don't wana be addicted to xanax.. annoyed about apartment.. and roomates situation.. don't know exactly where to start with photo but have a lot of ideas.. worried how easy it tis ti slip back into my old habits... want to do yoga and spiritual practices everyday.. want to get rid of everything.. a part of me still loves stripping.. it effects me psychologically.. i still let guys take advantage of me while stripping... i'm scared i can't stop... hard even to get a waiting job...

marijuana
drinking while stripping
taking xanax

photo stuff
enter contests
try to get in galleries
contact spread magazine
contact booty mags for internships
find lingerie and swimsuit designers
shoot lingirei models
alabama
wierd models
pick out prints for book
print at ICP or 3rd ward
stock photo agencies

Work and Adulthood

The way things are.. I'm so lazy and unmotivated, I don't want to work out.. I'm feeling good about being responsible and an adult.. I am in charge of the apt.. I love to cook every morning and I LOVE cleaning and I HATE clutter..
Im accepting the fact that I'm still dancing even though I'm not thrilled about it.. Its fun to hustle and ball out and keep my mind on that paper... =D I was in super hustler mode last time I worked and it felt so good.. I'm frustrated with photo work as usual.. I try and keep trying and applying but it seems impossible on craigslist... Its almost crazy to me that of all the jobs I have applied to online in the past 2 years plus and just 2 months since I have been back from India I have gotten none of them.. I'm def qualified for at least a few!!
I erased myspace and facebook but I still manage to rot my brain with reality shows online..
I have been getting colonics and they make me feel wierd!

How can I combine my work in the sex industry with my photo beyond shooting sexy models? I want to do a behind the scenes thing or a stripper fashion ready for work thing..

I see all this ugliness, all this hatefulness. All this empty fucking materialism and greed, seething, leeching every dollar that we can, selling every last second of our youth and every last drop of our beauty. For what? For things? For long term too, what is it all for? All this division and ill willed motives, the powerful and wealthy buying their fun and sex from these girls, some who are trapped. It seems lately that I feel too much see too much what this is all really about. But it will always be and it will always be something that I am attracted to and am/was a part of. The lonely and hurting have to pay for companionship, an ear to listen, a touch. The naieve and unwealthy are attracted to this. Sometimes it ends up really good, sometimes okay, sometimes bad, but this is what I'm seeing right now and its all falling down on my shoulders, really really heavy on them.

My work is so all over the place!!

...Trying to update my website and I'm just like, what genre do I fit into?? Everything I do is so different..